I’m back home in my parents’ house for the next 10 days. I love their house – it’s gorgeous inside and out, and situated in one of the most beautiful (albeit remote) parts of the country. I still see it as my home, no matter where I’m living. Whenever I come back, there’s unlimited wine, TV, films, heating, hot water, food – it’s great!
The problem lies, however, in my own opinion of myself. I don’t like to spend too much money, and I hate shopping, so my clothes aren’t… always great. I hate my figure (there’s no sidestepping around this issue). My mum and my sister have great clothes all the time (my sister lived at home until recently and had everything bought for her, and my mum’s got good taste in good quality things). They also both have a better figure than me.
My sister has better teeth, nicer hair, a better figure, a really strong talent (singing), and boundless confidence. I, on the other hand, do not. And I seem to spend a lot of my time while at home comparing myself to my mother and sister, and making myself feel rather crap.
I tell myself I have few friends, boring hair, small breasts, terrible teeth, worn out clothes and a weight problem. I’m weak and boring and extremely, irrevocably average.
Every time I go and rifle through the food cupboards, I feel like I need to justify myself as my mother looks on. I can feel her thinking: Blueskies need to lose weight and shouldn’t be eating as much as she does. Incidentally, I don’t eat a lot and I’m not fat (I could do with exercising more, however), but when at home I do like to make the most of the free food. Doesn’t everyone?! It’s part of revisiting your childhood for a few days and forgetting about your job and the big, wide world full of mean people and relationship problems.
I wish I didn’t do this to myself. I’m sure I have other, favourable qualities and I don’t have to compare myself to others all the time. I shouldn’t immediately slot myself into the role of the scruffily-dressed overweight daughter: it’s not healthy and it’s not necessary. Sadly, even as my logical self is saying this, my irrational brain is dancing around, pointing at Evans stores and singing ‘Soon you’ll have to shop therrreee, fatty’.
I need more confidence. This is easier said than done. It probably doesn’t help that I have a lizardy face with piggy eyes at the moment.*
*Blueskies’ Hints and Tips For An Easier Life: If you have sensitive skin, don’t try and ignore this issue by buying “Gradual Tanning Nivea Moisturiser”. Even if you really like the idea of it, it will make you look like a freak and turn you into an agoraphobe.
2 Comments
December 26, 2008 at 12:09 pm
I’m no good at the reassurance side of things when it comes to other people’s weight issues, however, I will say that a boy I lived with at uni used to play that Smiths song in the title of your post every time I walked into his room. That, and “Some girls are bigger than others”. He alternated between the two.
Enough to give even the smallest girl a complex. You gotta laugh though
December 26, 2008 at 2:00 pm
He sounds lovely!
If only everyone communicated using songs by the Smiths…
my dad would use “There is a Light and it never goes out” to moan about the rising electricity bill and ask people to turn lights off.